Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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