WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
