she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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