My friends, they love my intelligence
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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