Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
