he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
