you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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