Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
