Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
