At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
