I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
