Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
