My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
