But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My bed smells like the plague
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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