i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
