my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
