Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
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you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
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We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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