Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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