Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize