True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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