you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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