Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
