1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
