I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
