she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
