I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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