i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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