he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
