so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
