I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
