im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
