Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
