Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
