Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
