i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
