We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
