You don't have asthma, your pregnant
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
