i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
