just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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