Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
