I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
