if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
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Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
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I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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