Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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