sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
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she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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