pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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