Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
