once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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