and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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