Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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