I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
