I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
