Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
