I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
