I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
and you fell through a lawn chair
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
