Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
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Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize