I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?