i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.