You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
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My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.