Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
