I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
